what do you do when your world crashes down?
by MissingMommy
Summary: Remus writes Sirius letters that he never sends. :: Wolfstar letter!fic, for Paula.


For Paula. This type of fic really isn't my forte, but Clara latched onto it so hard. I really hope that you enjoy this, love!

* * *

Black,

I don't know why I'm writing this; I'm never going to send it. Maybe it's to help. Maybe it's to feel better.

Maybe it's because I miss you.

And I shouldn't. I really, really shouldn't miss you as much as I do. You betrayed James and Lily. You betrayed _me_. How could you? James would do anything for you and you sold him out to Voldemort.

And Peter? You killed him because he knew? What about those Muggles? They were innocent!

They were innocent.

* * *

Sobs wrack Remus' body before he can finish the rest of the letter. He wants to snap the quill he's using in half, but he doesn't. He just lays it down and leaves the letter on the table.

It takes him days before he throws it in the drawer.

* * *

Black,

The first full moon is tomorrow. I haven't done this by myself in years. I don't know what's going to happen. And that scares me. The wolf could be angrier. It could get out without being checked.

Every security that the three of you gave me during full moon is gone. And you know what? It's all your fault. It's all your fault that I have nobody.

Can you live with that?

* * *

Remus' hand starts to shake with anxiety. He places the letter in the drawer with the others before he pushes himself away from the desk.

He goes to bed, but he sleeps as he always does the night before a full moon – fitfully – and he's not sure if this time it's because of the moon or because of his loss.

* * *

Black,

Some days, I wake up and, for a brief moment, I don't remember that night. I believe that you will be in my kitchen and that James and Lily are in hiding and Peter is doing whatever he does. It's a moment of peace before reality hits.

And when it does hit, I'm crippled. I've spent so long being dependent on you and James and Peter that I don't know how to live without you all.

Why did you do it? Why did you betray us?

* * *

Shaking his head, Remus can't find any more words to express himself. So he pulls out the drawer and throws the letter in it. He moves away before he can start drowning in the memories again.

* * *

It's been a year. A full year and I still don't think I'm any closer to finding closure. I miss James like I'm missing a limb. I always needed you all more than you needed me. And I miss Peter, and how he would always be there for me, for us.

But most of all, I miss you. And it's different. I feel like I'm drowning and the only way to breathe again is to love you. Then my brain reminds me of what you did. I just don't know if I can hate you because I've spent far too long loving you. But I should; I should hate you.

I should have hated you when I looked upon the remains of James' house. I should have felt hatred when I didn't want to get out of bed this morning. But I just can't do it. I can't hate you.

And I feel guilty that I can't. You murdered my best friends, and yet I still love you. How is that even possible?

* * *

Tears fall from Remus' eyes, but he doesn't bother wiping them away. They stain the paper, destroying some of the words. And he thinks that nothing else can accurately describe him in that moment but that tear-stained letter.

He places it in the drawer with the others.

* * *

Sirius,

There's a new potion available for people like me. They say that it keeps the wolf sane. I don't know how, but they say that the wolf is harmless after the potion is taken. I've only waited my entire life for such a potion.

Can you imagine? I don't have to be scared of full moons anymore. I don't have to worry about accidently killing people. I don't have to wake up with scars covering my body because I have no one to keep the wolf in check.

It's not a cure, but it's close.

* * *

He can't hide his excitement as he writes the letter. It's the first time in far too long that Remus has felt this way. And he doesn't notice that he writes _Sirius_ instead of _Black_.

* * *

Sirius,

The war has begun again. And this time, I have nobody to betray me. I have nobody that I can trust and I think that's why Dumbledore wants me back in the Order.

I have no ties anymore. There is nobody that can be used against me to get me to cave. I can't be forced to flip on my own because of my friends.

And it just reminds me of how lonely I am.

* * *

He's not sure how Sirius and Black got mixed in his mind, and he's not sure exactly what caused it. But he knows that feels right in his head, and for that, he feels guilty. He feels like it's betraying James and Peter for thinking that way.

He pushes away that thought as he places this letter with the rest.

* * *

Sirius,

Dumbledore gave me the Defence Against the Dark Arts position. The only thing is that I have to take the potion for each full moon. I don't mind really. I prefer keeping my head during the transformations.

But I'm teaching Harry. Merlin, he looks so much like James that it hurts. Every time I see him, I can think of nothing but sitting in those seats with you all. And it reminds me of everything that has happened, everything that I have lost.

Everything that I have lost because of you. But, even after all these years alone, I still can't hate you, though I wish I could. I wish that I could look at Harry and tell him how much I hate you for taking his parents away from him.

Instead, I just tell him how much like Lily he is.

* * *

When Remus throws the letter in with the rest of them, he sees how many letters he wrote to a man that he's supposed to hate. It's a staggering amount.

* * *

Sirius,

I took a trip down memory lane today. Somehow Harry got his hands on the Marauder's Map. I'm not even going to try and figure out how he got it away from Filch.

I remember all the trouble that we used to get ourselves into with that map. But I think the spells are wearing off because I saw something impossible today. I saw Peter's name running about the castle.

There's no possible way. He's been dead for thirteen years. Right? I'm not going crazy, am I?

* * *

"What are you doing?" Remus asks as he comes into the room.

Sirius is sitting on his bed, parchment spread around him. "You wrote to me," he says. He looks up, meeting Remus' golden brown eyes.

Remus' eyes flicker to the box where all the letters had been placed. "Nearly every day."

Getting off the bed, Sirius stepped closer to Remus. "You never once stopped loving me."

"I tried. Merlin knows I did. But I couldn't," Remus whispers.

Sirius pressed his lips against Remus'. "I never stopped loving you either."

Remus digs his fingers into Sirius' side. "Never leave me again."

"I won't. I promise."

* * *

Padfoot,

This can't be happening again. I can't be losing you. I only just got you back.

I once told you that I couldn't live without you, but I did. I survived only because I tried to hate you. But I know the truth now, and I'm not ready to let you go.

I'm not ready for you to leave me again. Come back. Just, please, come back.

* * *

Remus shakes with the force of his sob, causing him to drop his quill. He never thought he would start writing letter to Sirius again.

But life is just that unexpected.


End file.
